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The act of acceptance is crucial for survival. Accepting, or welcoming the experience of stressors we cannot control without judgement, may feel unnatural to some. So many of us want to fight to the end to avoid feeling… Well, anything at all! Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Nanh, puts it this way: “If you become angry at your anger, you will have two angers at the same time” (2010). You cannot do much about a problem or an unpleasant situation until you fully acknowledge and accept its presence in your life.

Unfortunately, many of us get the order to the steps of acceptance confused, therefore we are stuck in a holding pattern with our own selves. We try to let go of tough things before we’ve even taken a moment to fully experience the things which we are trying to let go.

I propose a new order of events:

First, acknowledge.
Next, accept.
Finally, let go.

Let’s go into each of the steps in more detail.

1. Acknowledge

Before you can accept an uncomfortable feeling or situation, you first must fully name and acknowledge what that feeling or situation is. Sometimes, as the saying goes, you just have to call a spade a spade. Our emotions often simply want to be seen, heard, and witnessed. It is a natural desire to be seen and heard by others, whether that’s by family, loved ones, a therapist, or the internet. Most importantly, we want to be known by our own selves.

Dr. Dan Siegal, American psychiatrist, proposes that we must “name it to tame it” (2015). Naming a sensation – “I am feeling a tight squeeze in my chest” – and accurately using that sensation to describe an emotion – “I am experiencing grief” – can be a very relieving experience.

Before a storm hits the Eastern seaboard, meteorologists will spend weeks examining the nature of the storm. They will get to know the storm’s history and forecast the storm’s future pattern. Imagine doing the same thing with your emotions. Get to know all the different angles and perspectives of a situation before coming to an opinion. Get to know all the different angles and perspectives of your own self to better understand your own reactions in stressful situations.   

**Try This!**

Take a moment to scan your body. Notice muscle groups from your feet to your core to your neck and shoulders. What do you notice? Try to sit with these sensations without judging them or doing anything to change them. Simply experience your own body for a moment before moving on.

2. Accept

You’ve acknowledged your feelings. Maybe you’ve even acknowledged the situation that is bringing forth this reaction from you. Now what?

Do you know how to get out of a rip current? Some may have the instinct to fight as hard as they can, to swim towards safety as quickly as possible – Unfortunately the ocean is stronger than you are, and the ripping tide will win that fight. Life is like a strong current and the more you fight it, the easier it is to get lost in it. Accepting an uncomfortable feeling is a lot like surviving a rip current – It is best to conserve your energy, go with the flow of the current, and return to the safety of the shore when the current has subsided (Stoller-Conrad, 2023). (There are many ways to get out of a rip tide. This one works for the example I am trying to make. Please do your own research before swimming in open water and don’t sue me. This is not official ocean advice.)

Children who are not allowed to experience their emotions, perhaps being told “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”, grow up to be adults who fear their own emotions. Keep in mind while you are practicing acceptance that a wave always crashes and your emotion will come to an end as well if you allow yourself to experience it.

There’s an old children’s song that goes, “Can’t go under it, can’t go over it, can’t go around it… Guess we have to go through it.” There is freedom in giving up the fight against yourself.

**Try This!**

What’s on your mind? Notice where you experience the related emotion in your body. Focus on the sensation wherever it may be. Take a deep breath in and imagine this sensation growing as large as possible. When you exhale, imagine this sensation shrinking to the smallest imaginable size. Continue this pattern for 4-5 breaths.

3. Let Go

This may be the most difficult step. Maybe you’ve been upset about a particular situation for a long time, years even. Maybe you’ve formed whole sections of your personality around one particularly negative event. Who are you without this thing that you’ve been holding on to? Without the anger, the shame, the pain… What are you left with?

When you are ready, you can choose to let it go – Whatever “it” may be. Letting go may feel strange at first. Whatever this is that you are letting go has been with you for so long – A trusted protector, a piece of armor that has kept you safe.

Your brain, as incredible and wise as it is, does not know the difference between something that is currently happening and something that you are visualizing (EnVision, 2022). So when you continue to think over and over about the same upsetting event, your brain and body experience the event as if it is really happening again, “reinforcing and intensifying” your own viewpoint (Alford, 2021). Maybe it’s time to put this thing down and learn how to survive without the pain.

Letting go of painful past experiences makes room for new, positive emotions. The trees are about to show us how beautiful it is to let things go. There is a time to let go and a time to grow. You cannot bloom all year round.

You owe it to yourself to experience peace and rest. You deserve a full range of emotions, including sorrow, and including joy.

You deserve to let it go.

**Try This!**

Image yourself holding this emotion or this situation in your hands. Notice the size of it.  Notice the weight. Have a short but honest conversation with what you hold. Thank it for what it has provided you, for what it has taught you. If you will miss it, say so. Let it know why you are choosing to put it down. When you are ready, imagine yourself putting it down. Notice how empty your hands are. Notice how light your body feels. Notice any other emotions that come to take its place. When you are ready, imagine walking away from this thing that you have been holding on to, into a peaceful place of your choosing.

In Summary

Acceptance is an important step in any mental health journey. Acknowledging, accepting, and choosing to let go of an unpleasant emotion or experience is necessary for healing. So today I challenge you – Examine the storm. Ride out the current, even if it’s scary. Make room for new, joyful experiences. Make room for your own healing.

References:

Alford, L. (2021, February 26). Why is acceptance so important?. Why Is Acceptance So Important? | Sharp HealthCare. https://www.sharp.com/health-news/the-power-of-acceptance

Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education. (2015). Dan Siegel: Name it to tame it. Retrieved 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcDLzppD4Jc.

EnVision. (2022, June 1). Learn the science behind visualization and how it works. EnVision. https://envision.app/visualization/the-science-of-visualization/#:~:text=Our%20brains%20react%20to%20what,it%20were%20happening%20right%20now.

Hanh, T. N. (2010). Peace is every step: The path of mindfulness in everyday life. Ebury Publishing.

Stoller-Conrad, J. (2023). How to escape rip currents. NOAA SciJinks – All About Weather. https://scijinks.gov/rip-currents/