Building Hope Counseling Services

Love.

We talk about it, create about it, whine about it, think about it constantly. There are so many ways to love and to be loved – Some healthy, some pretty destructive. We often describe the beginning of a romantic relationship as a “spark”. But what can that spark turn into?

With any luck, that spark will turn into a nice, cozy fire that you would find in a hearth or a fireplace. This kind of relationship provides the comfort needed to get through the hard moments in life together. In a fireplace, you can control the intensity of the warmth the fire provides by adding more wood or fanning the flames. Sometimes the fire will die down, especially if you get too complacent, but you can always bring the intensity back up with a little TLC. Date nights, physical intimacy, and clear communication can help you turn those cooling embers into the blazing fire you desire.

Some healthy relationships may resemble bonfires. These relationships are HOT! Arguments may be intense, but so is the makeup. Like a fireplace, these fires are easily controlled by adding or denying wood and kindling. These fires, and relationships, are kept safe by maintaining strong and appropriate boundaries. To keep a bonfire safe, you surround the fire with large rocks and dirt to keep the fire from spreading out of control. To keep a bonfire relationship safe, you agree to ground rules during arguments, such as no name calling or yelling, and do your best to never go to bed angry.

Not all relationships or fires are as safe and healthy as the fireplace or bonfire. Some relationships are downright dangerous, like wildfires. Wildfires are intense, all consuming, and destructive. They are also incredibly breathtaking and mesmerizing from the right angle, which can make them even more dangerous. They spread quickly and are difficult to control. These kinds of relationships take considerable amounts of effort and support to end. Calling all available firefighters! Calling all friends, family members, therapists, and religious leaders to the scene! If the song lyric, “I think about jumping off of very tall somethings just to see you come running” resonates with you, you may be dealing with a wildfire relationship.

Fun fact: Did you know you are more likely to marry your booty call than you are your on-again-off-again partner? (I learned this in Psych 101 my freshman year of college and I swear I think about this statistic once a week.) On-again-off-again relationships can be dangerous, like root fires. Root fires are often overlooked because you cannot always see the fire, as the danger is underground. Sometimes you will think you are putting the fire out, but soon it has traveled through the roots and is popping up where you least expect it. You must get to the root of why you keep returning to this situation in order to truly put the fire out and an end to this relationship.

Sometimes, a little fire is needed to save the environment – We call this a controlled burn, or, in this case, couples counseling. Controlled burns take the dead leaves and branches – Resentments, regrets, and grievances – and burn them to avoid a larger issue, like a wildfire or a nasty break up. Fire in this case can be rejuvenating, redepositing needed nutrients into the soil of your relationship.

And sometimes fires die. Relationships end. That’s the sad and honest truth. Not every relationship is meant for the long haul. Sometimes you have to know when to throw some water on the embers and walk away. Breaking up or divorcing is incredibly painful. When a child has a wound and, as an adult, you know the wound needs to be cleaned, do you allow the child to say “No, that’ll hurt too much, I’d rather not”? Pain is often necessary and vital to the healing process. Mental health professions (like me!) can offer you divorce support and help you to divorce or separate with dignity, if that’s what you think is the best thing for you and your family.

Fire, like love, is beautiful, warm, and cozy, with the potential to be dangerous and destructive. As you reflect on the kind of fires burning in your life, remember this relationship advice: Boundaries are necessary to love yourself and your partner at the same time. Seeking support through a controlled burn like couples counseling is a sign of strength and may save your relationship. And sometimes, it’s in the best interest of everyone involved to let the flames gracefully fade.

So! What kind of fire are you burning right now? Is your relationship running cold and in need of some wood and kindling? Is your relationship too hot and in need of some new boundaries? Or is it time to let the embers go out and start over? If you’re not sure, reach out to a therapist in your area (hello, Massachusetts!) to learn more about how to honor yourself and your partner as you navigate the flames of your relationship.

Resources:

The information provided here is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out to the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline at 988 or visit 988lifeline.org.

For longer-term mental health care, you can find therapist in your area on psychologytoday.com.

If you are in Massachusetts and seeking therapeutic services, please fill out the contact form on buildinghopema.com or reach out to me directly at mikaela@buildinghopema.com.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and you don’t have to face challenges alone.