Building Hope Counseling Services

Happy Holidays!

This time of year, there is so much joy. Religious and cultural celebrations such as Christmas, Hannukah, Winter Solstice, and Kwanzaa fill the air with a sense of community and peace. A common theme throughout these celebrations is the importance of light to our world and our souls. So, we all feel merry and bright all month long!

Right?

Wrong.

The holiday season can be, and often is, so stressful. If you are feeling this way, you are not alone! Toxic families and financial pressure have an impact on our lives during this joyous month. Learning how to set boundaries with friends and family can increase the joy you feel with your loved ones while decreasing the stress you feel around the holidays.

Toxic Families

Being around toxic, abusive, or just generally unpleasant people can suck the joy right out of the season. If you are unsure of how to create boundaries around your family for the holidays, I have some suggestions for you!

Set a time limit – If you find that you can tolerate your cousins for three hours, but by three and half hours someone is crying (usually you), you can set limits on how much time you spend with them. Set expectations early by nonchalantly announcing what time you will be leaving when you arrive. This way no one can be surprised when you exit before dessert.

Drive yourself – I suggest this for a few reasons. First, it gives you control over the time spent at any given location. Secondly, if there is an argument or tension with whomever drove you to grandma’s house you can avoid a continued argument in an enclosed space with an angry driver. Finally, this will give you space to prepare and decompress from any engagements before you have to pretend to like anyone else for the rest of the year.

Limit substance use – Learning to cope without substances can be difficult. If everyone else is having a glass of wine (or if your family is cool, smoking a joint), why can’t you? Substances like alcohol and cannabis cloud your mind (“Well, duh, Mikaela, that’s the whole point!” I know, I know, but hear me out.) If your family argues easily, you can avoid adding to the problem by making sure that you have full control of your faculties. Some people use substances to manage their feelings of vulnerability. However, it usually has a counteractive effect, making the situation so much worse.

Pause before you respond – Unfortunately, you cannot control how people treat you. If someone really wants to be mean or talk about things that make you uncomfortable, you can calmly ask them to stop or walk away from the discussion, but you cannot control their behaviors, words, beliefs, or thoughts. Before you start screaming about how wrong or unfair the situation is, give yourself a moment. Allow there to be a break between the trigger and the response. You can help your body calm down and give your brain a minute to think by taking a deep breath or drinking some cold water before you answer. You don’t have to stand for abuse from your family, but you also don’t have to lose your cool when you’re confronted with it.

Financial Pressures

We are all victims of late-stage capitalism and consumerism. Gifts can be a wonderful way to express love, and they can also be a very pricey way! Feeling forced to give gifts during the holidays can add financial pressure to an already tense situation. Here are some suggestions of financial boundaries to set with your friends and family.

Gift exchange games – For friend groups and families with many members, suggest a game instead of individual presents. Games such as Secret Santa, Yankee Swap, and White Elephant create a sense of community, increase merriment, and decrease stress you might be feeling around your finances.

Set price limits – Talk to your friends and family about how much to spend on each gift for each person. No one feels worse than a person who spent a large amount of money on a gift and receives a mug in return… Except maybe the person who couldn’t afford anything but really tried their hardest with the mug.

Potluck supper – If you are hosting family or friends this year, ask people to chip in! Each person can bring a dish to help offset your expected costs. Again, this boundary will increase a sense of community by allowing everyone to take part in the festivities. If you are stressed about cooking and miserable for the party, you are not serving people the way that you think that you are. You are not every woman; it is not all in you. Let people help.

Final Thoughts

I hope you allow many things to exist in the same space this month – Joy and grief, boundaries and flexibility, peace and love and anger and disappointment. Take these suggestions and make them your own! I am sending you love and light this holiday season. And I am wishing for you many types of potato dishes made by someone who loves you (even if that someone is yourself… especially if that someone is yourself).

Next week we will take a look at how to set boundaries with yourself through time management and decreasing self judgement. Subscribe to “Notes on Mental Health” to make sure you’re the first to see every post!

Happy Holidays!

Suggested Reading:

What Being Sober Has Meant to Me by Brene Brown

Resources:

The information provided here is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out to the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline at 988 or visit 988lifeline.org.

For longer-term mental health care, you can find therapist in your area on psychologytoday.com.

If you are in Massachusetts and seeking therapeutic services, please fill out the contact form on buildinghopema.com or reach out to me directly at mikaela@buildinghopema.com.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and you don’t have to face challenges alone.