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You may have heard people use the terms “borderline” or “narcissist” to describe others who they feel are toxic, immature, or unstable. These terms are based on mental health diagnoses known as personality disorders but are used colloquially to express our distaste for someone else’s behavior.

This week a TikTok creator known as Reesa Teesa has blown up for her expose “Who TF Did I Marry?” on what it means to be married to someone with narcissistic traits. This has kick started a larger conversation about mental health, domestic violence, and, yes, personality disorders.

Let’s take a deeper look into what a personality disorder is, what causes someone to develop a personality disorder, and why they get such a bad rap.

What Is a Personality Disorder?

Each human has their own understanding of reality, almost like we each have a mirror reflecting our own experiences, values, and desires back to us.

Some mirrors have smudges, and we might refer to these imperfections as depression.

Some mirrors might have minor cracks, and we might refer to these defects as ADHD.

For the most part, despite the small flaws in each of our individual mirrors, we can basically agree on a shared upon reality.

Those who experience personality disorders, however, might have a mirror that looks something like a fun house mirror. The reality reflected to them in their mirror is so vastly different than the reality many of the rest of us experience and agree upon, making it difficult for these individuals to authentically connect with others and for others to engage authentically with them.  

Two of the most common personality disorders are Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). BPD is more frequent in woman and NPD is more frequent in men, although they are caused by similar experiences, as we will explore in the next section.

The hallmark of BPD is an extreme fear of abandonment. The hallmark of NPD is a belief that your puzzle piece is much larger than the puzzle pieces of those around you. Can you think of what childhood experiences might lead someone to develop this kind of disordered behavior or thinking?

What Causes Personality Disorders?

Personality disorders are complex trauma reactions. They are severe (and frequently very effective) ways of ensuring that a person’s needs are met after experiencing severe, complex, or prolonged trauma, especially in childhood. Personality disorders are perfectly reasonable, if not somewhat dangerous, ways for the body to react to trauma… Don’t let TikTok tell you differently.

Remember – It was the situation that was abnormal. Not your reaction to it.

Take BPD for example. Someone who has been diagnosed with BPD will struggle with a severe fear of abandonment, as I mentioned earlier. Therefore, they will act in extreme ways, such as threatening or engaging in self-harming behavior, to ensure that someone will take care of them or that a partner will not break up with them.

If someone has a trauma history of their parent coming in and out of their life, erratically and without warning, wouldn’t it make perfect sense that their body begins to react to perceived abandonment in this way?

As a trauma therapist, I take special care before diagnosing someone with a personality disorder. As personality disorders are caused by severe trauma, I find that many symptoms of these disorders can be healed through treatment. I find too many of my colleagues will diagnosis their clients with personality disorders simply because the client is “difficult” or “resistant”. If you find a clinician who diagnoses you with a personality disorder before really getting to know you and your history, keep on looking for another therapist.

Let’s look at healing from NPD. People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and self-worth. They may think that they are THE. BEST person in the world or they may think that they are THE. WORST person in the world. With specialized treatment, such as EMDR, these individuals can begin to learn a more accurate understanding of their place in the world.

What’s with the Bad Rap?

I’ll be honest, there’s a reason people with personality disorders have such a reputation – They can be incredibly difficult to be in any kind of relationship with. Although these individuals are not inherently abusive, manipulation can be a symptom that they exhibit to get their needs met, making it difficult for loved ones to let them in.

The best way to improve your relationships, if you love someone with a personality disorder or if you are someone with a personality disorder, is to maintain strong boundaries.

This can be incredibly difficult, as the person with the personality disorder may take these boundaries as a sign of your abandonment or withdrawal from their life, thus upping their antics to get your attention.

The fun house mirror may come back into play, where your actions are twisted to meet their preconceived ideas of what a relationship should look like.

Final Thoughts

Personality disorders are severe trauma reactions and deserve to be cared for in the same way that we care for those struggling with depression, anxiety, or PTSD.

If you or someone you love is struggling with the consequences of a personality disorder, you are not alone! Psychologytoday.com and EMDRIA.org will have therapists who specialize in healing trauma related to personality disorders. Reach out for help today.